The Gospel of Arabica: A Taxonomy of Pretension

Single-Origin Divination

Ethiopian Heirloom

Wild-harvested by monks who communicate with coffee cherries through interpretive dance

$45/200g

Colombian Supremo

Grown at altitudes that require supplemental oxygen tanks for pickers

$32/200g

Bean Purity Tests

• ☕ Does your coffee have a longer origin story than your children?
• ☕ Can you detect notes of imposter syndrome in the finish?
• ☕ Does purchasing it require a second mortgage?